In my girlfriend's room at college, a book told me matter-of-factly that a writer mustn't see the wood for the trees. This blog is an exercise in the notice of details - however silly or obscure - rather than conclusions.
1: I must have run into like ten people today who I did not expect to. It was awesome until I was so focused on what I was doing that I accidentally snobbed someone. 2: I feel a lot more socially proactive now that I have something to show off. This also results in a lot of "that's nice, I'm going over here now." I will learn I'm sure. 3: I'm scared that "these murders are making me thirsty" is about to become our own little "you're tearing me apart, Lisa". 4: I nearly forgot that I was supposed to do bread until like, 9:30. 5: The discount warehouse was so cramped and confused that I couldn't even tell where the register queue was supposed to be. 6: I think this Santa suit doubles as a bathrobe, maybe. 7: 7AM START? STAY UP ALL NIGHT. 8: It's actually more comfortable to sit at the computer on my knees than on my chair. Better for my height and my back. Not so good for my knees.
I hope you like strange movies about friends and murders. Being on the Youtubes makes me tempted to start running a video segment on the blog, but of course as you can see I've done a right good job of keeping up the blogging over the last month or two. By which I mean I haven't. At all. Sorry about that.
I'm now finished with University, though. This makes me happy.
1: Dan and I worked out that we're musical specialists. He's good at writing percussion tracks and generating riffs out of nowhere. I'm better with pre-existing material - creating variations on existing motifs, adding harmonies, and figuring out exactly what's out of place. Having worked that out, we're making a much better team. 2: The cat! Oh lord, that warbling, strangled cat. She'd prowl around the house all night trying to serenade an audience in the darkness that didn't exist, and when that failed, she'd find a hand to rub at. Then she'd stare at you, butt in the air, with wide, round eyes that had the faintest glaze in them, and roll over. 3: I caught myself this morning trying to decide whether to wear jeans or shorts. The meteorologists and Melbournites are not surprised. 4: "Wish" and "Expect". I don't know what the similarity's supposed to be, because I think of them as opposites. 5: They ask me what's similar between the words, and then look at me funny when I engage etymologies rather than the concepts that the words are meant to label. They asked me about the words. 6: I wanted to try out that bass line I wrote. I was halfway there when I realised that my bass is out of tune, and I don't have a tuner. Then I realised I have a tuning fork. Then I remembered that I don't even know where C is meant to be. 7: Registering an Australian Business Number (ABN) only costs $85. 8: "You don't poke around down there." "WOMEN DO IT!" Oh, Seinfeld. There is a reason I do not watch you.
Answer: The most badly made "professional" movie I have ever seen.
Mystery #2: Why did I take a screen shot of that?
Answer: Because watching that movie all the way through is a major accomplishment.
Mystery #3: Why on earth did I feel compelled to share it with all of you?
Answer: Because everything about this movie's existence is a mystery to me. In other words, it fits the title of this blog to the letter, even if it isn't exactly in the usual spirit of the thing. The rest of the mysteries below remain unsolved.
#4: Why on earth did the writer/director of "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" decide to make a movie that calls for tons of CGI exploding eagles when he only had a budget of $10,000?
#5: Do all the actors feel the same as the lead female, who recommended at the premiere that audiences should have alcohol while watching it?
#6: If so, how did they get roped into this project?
#7: Who looked at the final product and thought it was a final product?
#8: Is there a rule that movies have to be at least 90 minutes? If not, why is there an uncut scene in which the protagonist drives along for several minutes, stops at a gas station, refuels his car, and then resumes driving all the way to his destination without anything of consequence happening?
#9: What fraction of run-time would be left if the establishing shots were only as long as they needed to be to establish whatever they're establishing? If scenes with action and dialogue actually ended after all the action was finished, rather than going on for at least another few seconds?
If you're wondering why the eyeless person is stylistically different in appearance than everyone else, it's because that's the way my lovely friend Liesl (who does, in fact, have eyes) drew herself in her comic diary. I decided to keep her consistent so she'd be recognizable as the same person in both our comics.
And yes, that line is actually in the Gaston song. Well, the reprise, to be exact. I really love Disney movies sometimes. Seriously, it's worth having the subtitles on so you can catch lines like "Forty frenchman can't be wrong!" in the kill-the-beast song, or Coggsworth's comment about something in the castle being "minimalist rococo," which makes no sense, as rococo is pretty much the opposite of minimalist. Fun stuff you don't catch when you're a kid.
1: His name was Ben, and he was a psychologist. He asked what had prompted me to make the call (my cousin). He asked what my social and uni life/s were like (good mostly, some minor difficulties I guess?). He asked what drugs I do (caffeine and alcohol) and how much (2-4 daily, 1-4 weekly, respectively). He asked if I get along with my parents and my brother (fairly well). He approved of the reason I'd called (better self-understanding). Then he said they'd call me again in a couple of weeks to make an appointment (okay). Sigh, waiting lists. 2: "I think, to be a good actor, you kind of need to have some kind of mental problem --" 3: I reached into my pocket and found at least two grocery receipts (folded), a scrunched flyer for Short Flicks, and a piece of lined paper that I felt sure would be some kind of note. I opened it up fold by fold, expecting to find pen marks with each prise. Turned out it was just the strip of paper I had left over after Scenes From A Hat. 4:
Two little boys were charging around Aisle 6 while Munaf and I were working the
freezer. Their mum kept nagging them to “stop playing before something – “ snap. There goes a jar of cream, all
over the floor. “I didn’t mean it!” said one of the boys. “Doesn’t matter,”
said their mum. “I told you to stop playing!” 5: One of the bread delivery guys
was late. Dom ripped into him. 6: A weedy old man on the tram
hunches over his mobile phone; his voice sounds grainy, disembodied, as though
he’s on the opposite end. He was hidden behind another old guy with his back to
me until a few moments ago, so it really did sound like his voice was coming
from nowhere. 7: It was warm yesterday and this
morning, so I came to work without a jumper or jacket. And then it started
raining. Spring rain. Light, warm, grey rain that makes the city smell of dust,
exhaust, and pollen, and makes it hard to tell whether the surface of your skin
is hot or cold. 8: A microphone evangelist, right by
the Bourke St. tram stop. Male, late 20’s-early 30’s, short hair, tousled and
spiky, standing in the rain. He spoke as though directly to God; “ -- and
miracles! Seeing that happen! Ha, ha ha! It’s so awesome to know You, Jesus
Christ my savior!” Seconds later he swooped on the tram queue, who’d all
clustered together under the shelter to avoid the rain, and started asking the
stragglers if anybody had a slipped disc? Or lower-back pain? “cause I wanna
pray for you, God’s telling me someone’s got problems down here –“ He pointed
to the small of his back.
1: On the 96 – as
I waited outside, for the 86 – there was a couple standing by the door,
laughing over an iPhone. The guy looked like he was in his early 30’s, the
woman maybe ten years younger. 2: The guy directing the traffic
between the trams and the replacement buses boomed about it being his last
night. 3: For once, I had my arse handed to me on Brawl. Two things I need to re-learn -- the first is to warm up with characters I'm actually good at. The second is how to play anything other than one-on-one. You just can't juggle 4P chaos, and I'm too used to juggling a single, bewildered opponent. Sometimes two. 4: Strange that it happened so soon after that memories post -- my ex from first year (two thousand and seven!) showed up on my Facebook "Suggested Friends" list. It's an odd kind of jolt. 5: It's not often I submit a whole pile of ideas to Scenes From A Hat. Well I submitted a whole pile of ideas. Maybe one of them was good.
1: I managed to
clean one shelf – one – on aisle one before Ron realized we were understaffed
(by one), and I was needed at the register. Register 7, that is. 2: I’d just shoved in the last bag
of ice when I got a security call from liquor – someone had done a runner with
a slab of Slate. I hurried outside to see if I could spot him; it was still
light, but there were too many people around, and nothing stood out. Miraj,
Bilal, Ron and I fanned out through the back streets where Shane said he’d
gone, “threatening to kill himself if we followed him”. We got two blocks away
before we realized nobody here knew what the guy looked like. 3: I’m not surprised that Riordan
put a sword through the archdemon’s wing. It’s exactly what I expected to
happen. Sweet cutscene, though; the level of exertion shocked me, and at least
they explained why I’m able to fight a
dragon groundside, rather than doing the usual RPG thing -- 4:
Glenn was both shocked and dismayed that I was still up at 1am. Like he
could talk, though. 5: My netbook has told me twice, whilst
I’ve been writing this, that it detects wireless networks. I’m on the tram. 6: I’m trying to work out the
pattern on the seats. Green background, coloration split between near-black
(brown) and two nearly identical shades of yellow. It’s patterned with lines
constructed of dots – perfectly circular – and dark lines that look like the
turning of a pen at the edge of a letter. 7: Dan looked like – well, Dan, I guess. 8: We walked right past Ajisen Ramen
twice before we realized where we were. A sprightly homeless guy asked us for
change one way, and gave us an offended, woundedeven – hurt look when we
couldn’t help him. Then he did the same thing again on our way back.
